A Little Hopeful. 

(October 17th, 7.59pm. Sleepy in the middle of tuition since the kid is working on a full paper. Under exam conditions. This is after I have had a full day of school and it is so stuffy here. The air is moving so slowly around me and my head feels so heavy.)

We have been happy. The last three weeks maybe? I haven’t felt this feeling in a long time. Nothing to worry about, in regards to us, our communication is going alright. Even though there’s friction every now and then, we deal with ease and a casual laugh. It feels easy. I am not stressed out by something he said. He is not ignoring me by always entertaining other texts before mine.

It is going okay.

I can breathe and talk about all the other things cluttering my mind. He would listen, nod or agree. Dish out some impractical advice. Laugh and take another spoonful of food into his mouth.

While all the feeling good is happening, we are mainly apart. Each at our respective schools, with our own friends, doing our own thing and barely texting. Some days, we only check in with each other about once a day. Less than 10 texts. Before submitting to sleep and other distractions.

Surprising.

Other times, I’d be disturbed or mildly petrified. Or he’d be spamming my inbox. He does it less now though, naturally. He has more persons to safeguard his happiness now.

Usually when things start getting better, I start feeling just a bit more positive than my usual self, it all goes to shit.

So here’s a short note of commemoration for myself. That we are happy now. And we can be happy without needing to try too hard.

Happiness is here. It is in me, even if just a small fraction, it doesn’t mean any less.

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31st May. 

I have resumed smiling and trying to make things work. One has to move on, to live. Otherwise everything I work for stops but people and time just keep moving. 

Further and further away from me. 

But some days, I catch myself looking at him as if nothing has changed. As if the incident meant nothing. And I break a little more inside. 

What am I expecting though? 

For him to constantly treat me differently because he is sorry? For his face to look less happy and his mind less ready to crack jokes like he always does? For him to show more remorse? 

What is remorse? And how can it be shown when I have said I will try to forgive? 

This is merely my own bitterness and my own journey to go on. To move towards really being okay. Because for now, I am not. I am caught up with bitterness and I still cry when I think about the lying. I still ask so many whys and hows and what I should be doing or have not done. I am stuck in this perpetual darkness that I am not ready to get out of yet, and hoping to see him join me in this misery he inflicted upon me. 

I am seeking fairness when all matters have been unfair, and I placed myself here. Voluntarily. In a belief that this is worth it. 

Is it going to be? 

All this back and forth in my brain. Low nights filled with tears and irrational anger at myself for landing in this. 

Leaving is easy, and days when I feel weaker, I really wish I left.