(Slightly delayed post but my eyes still hurt, my mind still processing and my breath still trying to catch up to my heartbeat.)
I surprised myself to say that I would stay.
Bringing up reasons of youth and being career-driven, it was an amazing opportunity to leave. A reason that was completely unjustified and a betrayal big enough to walk out the door. Never looking back.
Lying, and betrayal are never justifiable.
It was insane for something like this to trigger a landslide of emotions. Perhaps it was also my being thrown into a state of disbelief. After all, I would have never expected him to lie to me. Maybe I was a complete fool to think that handing my trust so freely is the best thing to do. And that me only giving honesty would allow the same space for the other to do the same.
Guess I was wrong, and learning it now is better than never. That, I will forever be grateful.
The weekend was painful. Walking down the river, breaking the more I walked and crying for almost 24hours is not even funny anymore. My breath couldn’t catch up to the crying. My eyes shrunk in size as the tears were messing up the face. My hand permanently clenched, shoulders locked and teeth biting my lips.
A contradiction of giving up. Feeling tension all over but spirits drunk on misery.
The questioning is always the worst, and I did all that to myself. Somehow this is one habit that never really goes away.
Possibilities of other lies came up. Insecurities screaming in dead silence. Accusations, insults and blame accumulated in my mind, with some spilt.
The noisier my mind, the more I needed silence.
So why stay?
This is a risk worth taking. Maybe it will turn out to become a “told you so” moment, but at this point in time, I find my feet planted and my heart still somewhere else. Because I let it be there.
If I was hurting so much, maybe there is something there – a feeling, a comfort and a person I still hold onto. Maybe the pain in that moment was the perfect illustration of me needing this other being, in some way that cannot be rationally described. And I knew, my hurt was not alone and was fully coupled with his.
Maybe I am staying because I recognised him.
Leaving has always been easy, for me at least. Learning to stay is the difficult part. And maybe my definition of “need” has to be further thought about and reflected upon. Maybe I need people in different ways that they need me.
And I need to find that, instead of cancelling every relationship I discover.
But I draw the lines and I know, anytime it gets too much, too cruel I can walk away. Only after trying.
I have to sit in this fire. Let it burn and go through this process to come out alive, in a different way. Perhaps with someone else’s hand to hold.