February 2018.

Haven’t written on this space in more than a month now, and I have almost lost all words for myself to speak beyond work.

It’s been crazy though as a fresh graduate, having work to keep oneself busy can be seen as a privilege. So that I am grateful. At the same time, however, I really do think I can cut myself some slack and slow down just a little bit to breathe.

No longer can I have a main list of projects stuck to my wall because not being able to cancel them off after completion makes me feel unfulfilled. I have swapped to “every day to-do lists” to feel more accomplished and less self-defeating. I have also been slightly better at making choices based on what should be my priority, like family, even though those decisions may cause me a setback in the grand scheme of things. I decided to give myself a try and to dive into conversations with people I might not even know.

So I guess I am learning and this tiredness is a small price to pay for all the experiences I have gained.

The tiredness also helps me sleep, which is a complete bonus.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot and here are just some of them that I feel I can somewhat frame them in language:


Even though major festivals are seen as major only in their designated fields, it really keeps the audience confined instead of trying to grow them.

So, for example, if you are a film person, you would already to following the social media pages or have access to information necessary to know when SGIFF is going to happen. Similar to the other events that happen, such as SIFA, SDW, etc.

And I was thinking, if we can have a major calendar that consists of all these festivals and festivities for the nation to access, it might spark interest and curiosity. Eventually may even lead to new audience giving it a try.

Just like how there’s a major calendar announcement for long weekends and public holidays, can’t we also have that done for all the major festivals in Singapore?

Worth a try since some people don’t attend certain things not because of disinterest, but because of lacking information.


I have been struggling with this a lot. As I am older now, I feel like a lot of my prior understanding to things are greatly influenced by accessibility, by colonisation and by internalised standards.

Currently, I am reading a book about Patti Smith and her collection of work. Her roots and belief in punk culture, her choice to reclaim the “archaic term nigger”. And I was so struck by her accessibility to resources and the privilege to choose this route, be successful and be known to the world. To be free. To build Rock n Roll culture and simply roll with whatever she wanted.

I started wondering about the black people, the asians who are starting all over again after the various wars and the fucked up situations that simply keep happening. Be it from discrimination, human emotions, bullying or plain gaslighting, among other things.

And my thoughts went to why some narratives are repeated more than others? Why are we so struck by white success stories so much more when they made themselves have the upper hand all along? Why do we support that by covering their people more often than our own?

KPIs can only go so far and all it does is encourage you to keep building that skewed perception of excellence and accomplishment, when really resources can be going into building our own people up.

Writing has become a business and people need to survive, sure, I get it. But maybe it can be a matter of balance? And I think some causes are worth the effort to build and to introduce to the world.

What we cover in the media is what we are telling people should matter. And with that power, maybe we have to look past initial analytics to serve a smaller community, keep at it and eventually the numbers will come.

That’s how all communities grow. Just have to give it a chance.

Inherent Unfairness

And since it is Chinese New Year, friendly gambling happens within families. Just for the fun of it and to try your luck sometimes.

Every hand is different, naturally. Some people end up losing way more than others. Others, might simply keep winning.

Though the starting hand is different among every one and the starting point is not the same, we all still abide by the same rules and risk and bet all the same. We recognise and accept the risk, the unfairness and still choose to go for it.

If you don’t like it, you simply choose to not play.

And this is so much like life, at this point. The more I think, the more I feel like I am stuck in a simulation and constantly question myself why I choose to play. What is the point? And surprise, there is no point.

It is just a question of whether you can make this whole life thing work and mean something to you to keep going.

Chance. Risk. Gamble gamble gamble.

So take a gamble. Take risks that you feel may be worth it, and the rewards may come. Otherwise having tried is good enough.

Then try again.

And I think if I view life this way, I might have the motivation to just keep myself alive for a while longer.



I am a rental flat. Where people come home to only when tired and has no other place to go. They don’t even call me home. I am just a place to spend the night, to soak the tiredness away from that body and to abandon by day.

I am a sun. That’s all I am. I give life that is taken for granted and blamed when the rebellious rain strikes. Too hot or too distant.

I am alone. And maybe that’s just how everyone is, too.

Used and useless.

When your feelings, your experiences and you become a minority. Honestly, nobody else cares.

And everyone thinks it is just your problem alone instead of asking how they can help or do better for you.

Because in the end, nobody cares about another person.

Always on the outside looking in.

The wrong gender. The wrong institution. The wrong crowd. The wrong behaviour. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Faster days. 

One day, I felt a little change in me. Maybe what I have been hoping for all year has finally happened. Maybe the chemistry in my mind has balanced out or shifted. Or maybe I have aged just a little bit more after turning a year older.

Or maybe I just woke up one day and allthe  little actions I have been taking this year added up and the difference is reaped.

I feel lighter and more free. My eyes are open to possibilities and I feel the forward momentum. Pulling at me stronger and sometimes, I feel like if I jump off the ground high enough I can float.

The days fly by and gratitude has been filling me up. A quiet joy. Slightly less dark days and time goes faster.

I’ve been spending my days writing thank you letters, making art and reading all the books I finally made up my mind to buy. Life’s been good, and if the rest of the year goes like this, I am content.

Gratitude holds such power over my being. And I am grateful that I have things and people, to be thankful for everyday.

A Little Hopeful. 

(October 17th, 7.59pm. Sleepy in the middle of tuition since the kid is working on a full paper. Under exam conditions. This is after I have had a full day of school and it is so stuffy here. The air is moving so slowly around me and my head feels so heavy.)

We have been happy. The last three weeks maybe? I haven’t felt this feeling in a long time. Nothing to worry about, in regards to us, our communication is going alright. Even though there’s friction every now and then, we deal with ease and a casual laugh. It feels easy. I am not stressed out by something he said. He is not ignoring me by always entertaining other texts before mine.

It is going okay.

I can breathe and talk about all the other things cluttering my mind. He would listen, nod or agree. Dish out some impractical advice. Laugh and take another spoonful of food into his mouth.

While all the feeling good is happening, we are mainly apart. Each at our respective schools, with our own friends, doing our own thing and barely texting. Some days, we only check in with each other about once a day. Less than 10 texts. Before submitting to sleep and other distractions.


Other times, I’d be disturbed or mildly petrified. Or he’d be spamming my inbox. He does it less now though, naturally. He has more persons to safeguard his happiness now.

Usually when things start getting better, I start feeling just a bit more positive than my usual self, it all goes to shit.

So here’s a short note of commemoration for myself. That we are happy now. And we can be happy without needing to try too hard.

Happiness is here. It is in me, even if just a small fraction, it doesn’t mean any less.


Where do you stand 

Loving both men and women in 

Equal measure for their similarities 

Skeleton skin sins

Differences only in curves gender politics and bias

When you belong to neither straight nor 

Days of being closeted and no bravery story

Or do you just sit in an isolated yellow box 

Pretending to disappear with every puff 

Smoke snaking up into the sky 

Like wishes unmade and justifications you should have said 

Before going back into bed to dream the same dreams again