Untitled #46.

Do you ever forget yourself 

When all you think 

Is in your voice 

When all you do 

Is with your body 

When all you believe

Is all you know how

We all only live our own truths. How twisted is life. 

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(Closest to) Silence. 

I remember watching this entire film that was silent. Yet it wasn’t called a silent film, because its exploration is about silence and not about the genre itself. I remember being fascinated, intrigued and a huge sense of calm wash over me. 

Today, I wonder if I can find silence but I know I can’t. The world is too noisy and the city never sleeps. 

Here’s a list of experiences I have that I think are closest to the silence I am searching for. 

Echoes in the mental chamber

Radio play on an Uber

Highway at 3am 

Heart beating in ear drums 

Air-conditioner whizzing 

Speeding motorcycles every blue moon 

Flickering toilet lights 

Wasp hitting the mirror persistently

Applying make up on my face 

Breath of the sleeping body next to you

Rustling leaves during windy weather 

Flowing tap water 

Construction workers digging underground 

MRT doors closing at every station 

Buzzing of traffic lights 

Yawns in a quiet classroom 

Shifting in bed under comfortable comforters 

Purring of a lonely cat under the void deck

Applying body foam to skin during shower

Clicking of high heels 

Lights going off past midnight 

Lights coming up past midnight 

Shy kisses on closed lips – slow and deliberate 

Running fingers through hair

Humming 

Crickets in the dark 

Echoes of the heart

Luxury. 

(Weighing on my mind. Heavy and anchoring; unmoving. What is a luxury? So many things are seen everyday that we unknowingly take so many things for granted. Small but significant. They form so much of our culture – what we simply take without thought.) 

To be born. 

To be wanted. 

To have childhood. 

To be healthy. 

To breathe freely. 

To know what love is. 

To have friends. 

To use the entirety of body. 

To have power of language. 

To discover sexuality. 

To have an education. 

To be able to work. 

To find work. 

To choose and pursue passion. 

To be able to have choice. 

To be needed. 

To have access to food, water and necessities. 

To have time to fall apart. 

To have support. 

To find sleep. 

To feel the entire spectrum of emotions. 

To empathise, and be empathised with. 

To age. 

To find a partner. 

To be able to marry. 

To travel. 

To want to travel. 

To have future. 

To know yourself. 

To discover stories and journeys beyond oneself. 

To live, not just survive. 

The power of being able to think that you have viable options, choices and perspectives to take. Even that in itself, is a power. 

I might have missed out on so many aspects, but every small thing is a privilege. 

And sometimes I am so overwhelmed just thinking about it. 

Sitting on the floor. 

A chant or list of everything within my sight when I sit on the floor. 

  • Oil stains 
  • Half-eaten nut
  • Zebra printed pen
  • Dusty hair dryer
  • Cocoa Colony fabric bag
  • Lamps lying on their side
  • Fairprice plastic bag; all crumpled
  • Plum-shaped umbrella in blue flora prints 
  • Oversized black luggage 
  • Box of granola bars; crunchy
  • Assorted nuts personally mixed up in Ikea jar
  • Back of ear ring
  • Expired first aid kit
  • More blue umbrellas 
  • Yellowed rice cooker
  • Ukulele case
  • Rolled up carpet with tassels 
  • Johnson speaker
  • Rusted wheelchair 
  • Multi-coloured bamboo sticks 
  • Paper lantern
  • Tiger balm 
  • Yoga mats with stains 
  • Lonely ant crawling towards me
  • Orange sticker peeling off tile
  • Water flask 
  • Crack in the white wall
  • Magnets on the glass
  • Banana leaf; all yellow and curled
  • White spots of wall paint
  • Gym bag 

That’s all I could get to before people came. 

Things I’d like to say. 

  1. It is one thing to accept, and another to merely tolerate. 
  2. I am not just my emotions. 
  3. Kindness has been showered upon me day after day, and I am very grateful to the individuals that make the effort to do so. It’s been the most beautiful experience of this whole month. 
  4. Thank you. 
  5. I am not just my commitments. 
  6. If you choose to not see how hard I try at the things I choose to engage in, then there is no way I can convince you otherwise. 
  7. I enjoy reading the blog posts of others. Thank you for trusting the Internet and sharing slices of sincerity. And please know that you matter, everything is not as it seems sometimes and people are always there even though you have to fight the demons yourself. 
  8. Life is greater than just the now. 
  9. Always choose to take a step back, see the big picture and breathe. 
  10. Things do get better. I know. It is just that how long it gets there is another issue. Days? Months? Years? Forever? 

Ways to Kill a Conversation.

  1. Have a good day.
  2. Wrong number.
  3. Do I look like I care?
  4. K.
  5. Okay, sure.
  6. I already know that.
  7. You will never understand.
  8. (Just blatantly ignore the person, because why not?)
  9. LOL.
  10. KK can.

P.s. I am getting used to these replies as the days go by and sometimes, I use them too. But honestly, 7 really hurts feelings okay and once you say that, what is the point of carrying on with the conversation if I will never get it anyway? Why bother, right?