January 2019.

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I no longer write about the kind of love that gives my heart away.

I write about the kind of love that radiates from a heart well-protected and never lost.

A love I lost but recently regained, never to part with.

January has been a strange, strange month. The highs and lows were pretty extreme with tiredness as the only constant. 31 days did not kill me, but damn, some days I woke up wondering how I am still here.

I am not particularly keen to discuss incidents that are too personal for now, since I am still taking time to process them and come up with a way to deal with them. But I think in the grand scheme of things, I am happy especially with things/events/decisions that are entirely within my control.

Boundary setting and following through with it has been especially rewarding.

If you are personally struggling with possible codependency issues, toxic relationships or just curious about how you can take better care of yourself, look up how you can try to practise and establish good boundaries for yourself/others. Personally, helping myself has put me in a good place to reach out even more and be present for other people in my life. Who knew?

Anyway, before I end off this post, I’d just like to say that I am still taking on interviews/conversations on the Aim For Zero campaign with Aware. These interviews may seem repetitive because they all kind of start with my experience and what exactly happened.

But I will say that the incident itself is just a starting point for conversation and the important thing is to further the discussion into understanding rape culture, prevention and what you can do when you encounter a survivor of sexual violence.

Anybody can be a victim, just like how anybody can be a perpetrator.

So keep talking about it, ask questions if you are not sure and let’s get these horror stories to stop.

x

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Missed Months 2018.

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November and December 2018 posts were missing, and I only just got around to having a bit of motivation to type on my blog. I entertained the thought of deleting this space altogether because the internet can get tiring and what is the point of keeping my words when they are just thoughts constantly changing and me having conversations with myself?

Then I remembered that I am typing so I get words out of my head for breathing space and maybe when I want to, I can look back and read and wonder where I come from back at a certain point in time and space.

One way of having conversation with a past self, for sure.

2018 was really good to me. I think that is all there really is to say.

Plenty of things happened – some drastic and sudden, others a matter of sooner or later. Not all ideal, but good for me to experience and go all the way through with it. I made decisions that I might not have been able to even just one or two years ago. This just goes to show that I am in such a different place now – my mind more settled, my mood improved and my will to live that much stronger. It feels great.

I think the underlying philosophy that really managed to push me through is this: if horrible things can happen to other people, who am I to think that horrible things should not and will not happen to me? 

This epiphany woke me up from this place of blame, shame and I will say bitterness. I don’t blame myself for going through that phase of heavy emotions and confusion because feelings are to be felt, and I had every right to. Some shitty things have happened, as usual, but well.

But I also have to move past those feelings, and I am happy that I have. With such great company around me, my heart opening to let all these other people in and so many more realisations that I truly understand now, I am happy.

Feels fucking fantastic.

Here is to 2019 being all great, and even if the bad starts to outweigh all the goodness once again, I know I am able to take it all on and keep going. x