May 2018.

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It’s been a whirlwind of a month. Festivals attended, stories picked up and new questions waiting to be answered. May is the fastest month to pass for me, as of 2018. There is so much going on outside of me that I seldom had time to think about what’s going on inside of me – which served as a good distraction as I adjust to changes and relearn what it means to be independent on my terms.

But to be fair, I had a number of moments where I was so close to the edge and desperately tossed myself into fire and smoke to keep me here. Is that good enough? I don’t know but I will deal with my days as they come – one at a time.

There is a freedom in knowing that slipping up once does not condemn me into slipping down forever.

  • Embarking third month of employment

I am happy. Who knew I can get accustomed to sitting at a desk and type into a computer on weekdays? I still enjoy the company and I look forward to being comfortable in this environment. No stress, clear communication and at the end of day we can all still laugh together. Basically this environment gives me more than what money can buy.

No misery but mainly joy for most of the hours of my weekday life. Guess I am lucky.

  • Rejection(s)

Of all the auditions, scholarships and programmes I applied for, all of them came back with rejections. Maybe it isn’t much of a surprise though I was pretty miserable during the initial stages of receiving a response. Usually no reasons are given, so I entertained thoughts of why and what exactly I should be improving on. It’s almost as if everyone was moving on artistically and I am just here standing with my feet cemented to the ground.

But just gotta keep trying I guess. After all, if I remove my own self-worth from the rejections themselves, life still goes on and I am okay. I will do better. x

  • Self-love

Trying to set new boundaries for myself and spending more time alone. Relearning and trying to figure out what exactly it is I need now at this point in my life. Weird that it all feels so new to me, when it really shouldn’t be.

  • Reads

I am still keeping up my reading, though it has slowed down so much this month because of all the other stuff going on. But I’d just like to say that I Want To Go Home by Wesley Leon Aroozoo left the deepest impression on me of all my recent reads.

It isn’t too long too, so you can definitely make time for it despite the everyday busyness. About strength of the human spirit and what we can really do, despite being only one person. I cried almost at every chapter for so many different reasons – joy, heartache, admiration, helplessness, and most of all, respect.

Willing to lend the book to anyone, so let me know. Good stories deserve to be shared and live on beyond its pages. And this book is no exception.

Also, I recently bought nine magazines from Magpie’s #magbye sale – topics ranging from design to travel to thematic explorations such as the significance of hair. So if anybody wants to, reach out and you may read it.

Okay, I don’t really have much to say at this point so I guess my mind’s been pretty empty. Or I have more things I am uncomfortable with airing online this month. Hahaha. Either way, things are looking up and I hope I keep working at shaping my future the way I want it to turn out.

xx

 

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