Shot by Darren.
Time is simply arbitrary, and now the change in years no longer mean much. Counting down for the six minutes of fireworks and a momentary pause before starting everything all over again. And waiting for the following year to end.
2017 was turbulent and full of conflict. In the world, around me and within myself. A lot of the times, leaving seemed the better option. Sometimes those hands that only reach out to you when you are just about to take your last breath just isn’t enough. It’s about accumulation, breaking points and if whether I can still justify all my efforts and love or not.
If I can no longer justify all the hurt, the worth and the days, then what for?
This, is still something I will need time to struggle and make peace with going into 2018.
My parents are still in this liminal space of timelessness and so much grey. Each revolving around a different sun. The changes strange, with a lot of blank spaces in between to fill.
My dog passed away, after leaving me this permanent presence of bite scars on my right hand. It still hurts when I overuse my hand. Almost like how grief never leaves you, but stays until the end of time. It’s about getting used to and learning to use different muscles to cope.
My days and months plagued with stresses that shut down my uterus for months, along with anxious crying for continuous mornings and a sense of defeat. School taught me many things I never expected to learn within an educational environment, and made me question myself more than what exactly I am learning.
There was good in certain memories and many more still undiscovered, or needing the gloss of nostalgia and hindsight.
I am glad that’s over. And I can now take the time I need to consolidate, reenergise and look ahead.
Dreaming has become tells of the future, reflections of fear and a place that exists minimally in the day. I continue to scare myself with thoughts of incompetence and not being fast enough. It’s almost ridiculous how I fear losing this rat race of a life when I fucking hate running.
But with 2017, with almost seeing the end but staying in my place still, I have learnt.
That my voice should never aspire to be overwhelming, but to be loud enough for myself. That the questions in my head is just how I am, how I express myself and a part of this ritual of living. That my body can only take so much and it can be greater than what it literally seems to stand for. That my hands might not be able to hold onto much, but I can choose what to grasp and what else to let go. That my feet might tire of taking me places, but I will always have my heart and my imagination to carry me even further.
Beyond these vague concepts of discovering strength and personal resilience, I have also learnt how my perceptions of things can change and that does not necessarily make me a hypocrite or a liar. As long as I admit to them and am made aware of these shifts in myself.
So I have taken steps back to strip myself of my unnecessary pride when I am wrong or mistaken, and apologise. To take these opportunities to grow instead of bubble myself up only to age.
To reach my hand out.
To raise my arm in doubt.
To extend my arms to hold another person.
So on this note, I have a list of thank yous:
– My mother, for being strong
– My (extended) family, for open arms and unconditional support
– Darren, for trying and being
– SaveDawn supporters, for giving me an education and letting me rediscover art
– Friends, from then and now, for the breaths of fresh air
– Everyone that I have had the privilege to write to, spend time with, meet and connect
2017 has been tiring but I am so thankful that you all are still not tired of me.
A lot of love to all of you, and may 2018 be kinder to us all.
I am going to take this a step at a time. And if anyone wants to look for me, for anything at all, my heart is always open and my ears ready to listen xx