I have never ever in my life been skinny or mildly average in size. Always slightly above in the weighing scale. The digits never fail to rise.
Of course I have the usual diet, exercise, calorie-counting and body positive advice that keeps getting shoved in my face every now and then. You can do it! You are beautiful the way you are! Thick girls are real girls!
I don’t really know how I feel about that. You do you, as long as you feel good. I believe that. But I don’t seem to believe in that for myself.
I hate weighing scales. Besides mandatory NAPFA height and weight back in school, I will never go near one. It is literally ignorance in bliss. The numbers cause anxiety. I hate it. Because I am never below a 50. And when you weigh, it is pretty much the lesser the better.
For the last show, I finally had the guts to wear a torso revealing top with my tiedyed pants. I felt really good about myself. I have also been tackling the weather by being less insecure about my arms and wearing sleeveless tops out.
For someone that actually doesn’t mind getting naked for other things, I am pretty damn self-conscious.
Then two days later, I stood on top of the weighing scale, saw the number and felt like a complete fool.
It is almost pathetic how just that number in itself can change my entire perspective about my body.
I used to be adverse to mirrors too. Never had a full length mirror until recently. Even now, I avoid it when I feel really horrible about myself.
But the thing is, my weight fluctuates. Whether I like it or not. I work out, perspire, put in time to do routines and then I lose a bit of weight. Then I get busy trying to earn money, my routine goes down the drain and I slowly put the weight back on. Not drastically but enough for the number to spring back up.
But somehow, knowing this is how my body is, I am still not wise enough to be happy and move on. I am still always comparing, looking around, reprimanding myself and feeling super shit on bad days.
So how much do I fight it? Should I fight it? Lose sleep trying to always work out everyday while committing to the rest of my life? Am I willing to be miserable diet-wise to look a certain way? Why am I so bothered by looking a certain way? Sometimes it is not all work, because some people are just born skinny. I am just not one of them.
I don’t even know what all this is about. Just wanted to type it all out. Get it out of my brain. Until the next time I engage in this conversation with myself.