I am probably the worst sort of person there is on this planet.
I cannot switch my brain off. Overanalyse, never bite my tongue and always thinking a tad too much. Never falling asleep, I am wide awake at the most ungodly of hours and dead at dawn. Somehow, I always seem to lack rest with nothing on my hands or do too many things at once that keep me awake. Never in between. Always running from one end to the other. Not stopping.
The only difference is when I am running in an organised chaos – piling deadlines but able to have them all clear in my head, completing them one at a time and crushing up to-do lists as I go by. Or, I am running in circles, in a complete state of confusion and spend more time contemplating jumping off my room’s window than typing that extra paragraph of text for passion commitments that do not pay yet.
So here I am, finding myself awake after doing up work until past 3 in the morning on a school night. No motivation, contemplating quitting school because I am horrible at basic student expectations and i am just so sick is struggling financially.
Why didn’t I develop habits of saving money and aspirations of being a 7-11 cashier girl?
It is just difficult trying to pursue an education that barely wants you, and that you cannot afford at all.
And when work projects are dull, unreasonable and well, inconsiderate, I just feel like throwing my hands up in the air and surrender to imaginary police men that will take me away and teleport me to the finish line of life. Where I can end this subscription of an after life and more life.
Yes, I am probably privileged in some ways but really, not in ways that I am expected to be. Like race or money or gender or looks or even my educational qualifications.
Please don’t get me started.
Anyway, this cycle is never-ending but at least talking to this endless void helped a bit. Though I am still wide awake and it is only 3.48am.
It is still a school night.
I am still a horrible person.
What’s new? Nothing.
Maybe I will close my eyes and not wake up. Who knows. Bye.