I have resumed smiling and trying to make things work. One has to move on, to live. Otherwise everything I work for stops but people and time just keep moving.
Further and further away from me.
But some days, I catch myself looking at him as if nothing has changed. As if the incident meant nothing. And I break a little more inside.
What am I expecting though?
For him to constantly treat me differently because he is sorry? For his face to look less happy and his mind less ready to crack jokes like he always does? For him to show more remorse?
What is remorse? And how can it be shown when I have said I will try to forgive?
This is merely my own bitterness and my own journey to go on. To move towards really being okay. Because for now, I am not. I am caught up with bitterness and I still cry when I think about the lying. I still ask so many whys and hows and what I should be doing or have not done. I am stuck in this perpetual darkness that I am not ready to get out of yet, and hoping to see him join me in this misery he inflicted upon me.
I am seeking fairness when all matters have been unfair, and I placed myself here. Voluntarily. In a belief that this is worth it.
Is it going to be?
All this back and forth in my brain. Low nights filled with tears and irrational anger at myself for landing in this.
Leaving is easy, and days when I feel weaker, I really wish I left.