(I sit in my little comfortable corner, right at the back of the car playing club music and am typing this while waiting to cross the causeway back home.)
I cannot believe I am still alive at the age of 23. Somehow along the way, the little things started to add up and convince me that I might have gave up on life before this. Yet here I am, still alive in the very basic sense of existence.
So maybe things aren’t all that bad. At least I hope that life will start looking up by now, and I can stop imploding.
Stop killing myself slowly by sleeplessness and poor appetite and whatever I have done.
(Isn’t it funny that people never take your word for it, and then they wonder why people cut, bleed and self-harm? It is for control. It is for proof. It is for you to believe what they have been saying all along.)
Horrid things have been happening, and keeps adding to the weight my shoulders bear this year. If you are a close friend of mine, perhaps you already know all there is to it. There’s no need to air it here.
So with this, as the Moon guides my way home and cheerful “I feel like a millionaire” lyrics start filling up this car, I shall will myself to write about the good things this year.
1. I am still in school, and I finished two shows so far. The first one being such an honour to work with a gentle and nurturing teacher. The second one being an act of pure brazenness and I am proud that I did it. Everything I set out to do.
2. Instead of leaving, I chose to stay and work on the relationship I am in. Leaving has always been so easy for me, with so many examples presented in my life, but I am happy so far that I held on. That I recognise how vulnerable love can be, and should be. And I put my money where my mouth is.
3. A small one, but I have a page featured in this up-coming literary book that half the word is featured in anyway. But I’d like to think it is a victory for me to keep working towards my writing.
4. I haven’t jumped off a building, even though it hovers at the back of my mind so casually.
5. Writing letters to the people I love, and care about. That I kept to this tradition I have built for myself, and to force myself into the perspective of always appreciating no matter how much or little I have.
6. My friends are all so far away geographically and sometimes schedule-wise. But always always always so near to my heart and being so loving all the time. As long as I reach out, their hands are always there to lend me strength.
7. Slowly working on new things, starting up creative ideas and flowing with them.
8. Cleared my things and kept only what’s important. Physical decluttering that I have wanted to do for so long, and finally managed to let go of certain sentimentalities that no longer mean anything.
9. Trying my best to cope with life, even though I am doing a lousy job, but the trying part is kind of a good effort la.
10. Not killing this blog. Yet. I kind of wanted to let this go, but now I really use this more for myself than just posting random writes I have. And it helps. And I found enjoyment in it, so I guess this is good.
If any of you can think of any good things I should remember, please share with me too. Because nothing actually comes to me at the top of my head at the moment.
But I think these ten are little red flags marking the various months. In some ways, I think I did quite well for someone that feels so much darkness.
Thank you for all your patience, kindness, love and if you understood just a fragment of what I am going through, thank you. It means a lot to me.
A lot of love to all of you. Sincerely.
I will work towards happiness. I will try my best.
Happy 23rd Birthday to me. xx