This is too familiar a narrative to the point of choked up tears and a sense of shame. Perhaps we are bent on reliving the phrase that we always tend to hurt the ones we love, simply because the phrase has to exist for a reason. Perhaps we are all just cruel.
Maybe it is how love is really just about choice, that makes everything sharper at the edges and scarier.
Because we all know that years of relationships mean nothing in the end. The moment you choose to have out and to search for the greener grass on sides you have yet to visit, the love evaporates and ceases to exist.
(Of course it depends on the intentions of the relationship in the first place, the reasons for leaving, the level of honesty and how the hurt is being discovered. Every relationship is different, and that’s why we may fail in so many ways with no one with a clear answer to share with.)
Suddenly you are free and the other person is free falling. You look at this face of years loved and feel nothing. To go from sparks to nothingness is a darkness in itself; never to realise how you found yourself in this place. The hands you yearned for are now let go off, with your own arms hugging another body, another soul so similarly but different enough for excitement. The crying face that used to break your heart and keep you up for days, now merely stains you with guilt that you can shrug off. Not think about. Not care about.
After all, that love is no longer your burden to bear. Yes, it has become a burden, a bane and a burnt out flame of used to bes.
And the entire process starts again. Never-ending. (Marriage is not a destination nor a remedy. Just a hope for stronger commitment and a legal bond that will hopefully strengthen resolve.)
How do you say you love, only to turn your back on them when someone comes along? When you choose to hurt them deliberately?
This has always puzzled me, though this narrative is too familiar for comfort.
At this point in my life, I have found an answer that will keep morphing as I live but I hold on to for comfort now.
I think this happens, because the choice of love was simply not strong enough for you to resist fulfilling your own desires (that probably weren’t communicated or swept under the carpet). Because your fear of disappointment, your being afraid of the consequences, laziness in not saying that you didn’t want to work on this anymore, was greater than “us”.
You felt you were more important, than the other person you fawned over and wanted to protect with your life. But really, you wanted to protect yourself first and only when that was fulfilled did you open up your arms for someone else.
Is that love though? No one knows the answer, but this question is worth thinking over.
And would the problem be solved, if it was ever that simple, if two people came together only to love the other person more.
Has that always been what we are all searching for?
On a separate note, have we all thought about and are aware that love changes the way a person grows and someone being in a relationship, you might have contributed to the change that started to drive you away?
How do you love a changing person? How does anybody love you?
How do you love yourself?
My heart is tired of hurting for other people, and I am tired of all this unanswerable questions.