I have always felt that I have grown up. It is a long process and we all grow a bit every day. For better or for worse, we are who we are and there is no other way to be.
But recently, I have rediscovered the older parts of myself that have stayed hidden. I found the little girl that has always been inside but I have never truly spoken to. Just tried to shut her up and drown her underneath my now. Unsuccessfully. I just simply don’t like her and how I used to be, as a person.
Old habits die hard. Seems like old insecurities stay for longer than people tell you they would, too.
Ever since young, I never felt like I have gotten much attention. Be it in school or at home, I always felt very left out. Maybe there was enough paid to me and I just wanted more, but those feelings grew on me.
So I started trying out ways to get attention, to make people like me and to fit in.
I told my first lie when I was four. Then lied again and again and again. My most ridiculous and outrageous lie was when I turned seven. Lied my primary school had a molestation case, complete with the perpetrator being an outsider and entered school grounds secretly. I witnessed it, I said, and went on to fill up all the gaps. My dad brought me to school, confronted my school principal… only to realise that it was all a figment of my imagination.
Received a huge beating. I deserved it, but hell, it hurt.
The lying went on for a while before I set my foot down to kick the habit. It would have destroyed me and all that I have started to stand for.
By then, I was also in the rebellious phase of my life and discovered art. Thank goodness.
While all that lying business was happening at home and with myself, I was constantly trying to make friends in school.
My best friends left my primary school for elsewhere. I was frightened, all shy and really wasn’t good at making new ones.
As always, desperation is always never a good element in any scenario. I was giving away jewellery that weren’t mine, telling classmates personal stories I had and would buy them sweets during recess. They were nice to me for a while, but of course that was just silly me being used.
I asked for it – being all meek and simply nodding my head too quick for everything.
Got bullied, rumours about me spread like the plague and I was still mostly on my own. I witnessed, at the age of eight and nine, how quick words become weapons and how cruel they can be at drawing blood. I saw how one bully became ten and one day the whole class would just not speak to me. Be it fear, or the common sheep mentality, I lost.
I still cannot really talk about it without changing the topic. It is scary how those things are still incredibly relevant now – to children and adults everywhere.
Anyway, I am going to stop talking about that now. Don’t like speaking about myself very much.
I found it hard to love myself. I still do, really. But I am proud to say that those days occur way less than how often it used to be.
Until now though, it is hard to say it, but I think I still want to make everyone like me. In some way. I want to form myself so well and be so professional that nobody can dislike me to the point of spreading untrue words.
But this is life, and with everything that has happened, I really have to stop letting the uncontrollable control me.
Others will say what they want, feel how they feel and I have no power over that. Why panic? Why fear? Why doubt?
The fear is still there. But I think now that I have said it out loud, and finally come to terms with it again, I can finally let it go.
I just have to do the best I can, and let my life I live to prove itself. Let my life be a statement of who I am and all I stand for. x
Okay. Just breathe.