Emptiness. 

Only when something is found 

Empty can you fill it up 

Usefulness is found in its

Emptiness 

Infinite space to grow 

Freedom 

But what if the womb is too empty 

No lining to bleed 

Vacant of all biological uses

That you may never use it 

All rust and dust 

A forever void of emptiness 

Of dried red 

What use is it then?

Fortune Cookie. 

(Mid-February. The point where life is crashing and burning. Or if you need a lighter image in your head, drowning in a tsunami of lemonade. To deal with life, or at least, get some of my resentment out of my system, I wrote fortune cookie messages to a couple of people. Harsh truths purely from my perspective. I am human. I am selfish. All lousy excuses, but at this point, I cannot hold on anymore. So let me be petty and vent. If you are intolerant, please feel free to leave.)

1. It is not stupidity or incapability. You are just lazy and not trying. Same mistakes on different days. Is this what you call dream chasing? Really?

2. I owned my actions and there is no way every past footprint can be retraced in this age of technology. Furthermore, I cannot foretell the future. How is any of this my fault? I didn’t even participate! I also warned you about it! 

3. There is barely anything in it for me at this point of commitment. So what is with the passive aggressiveness? Maybe I should just leave. 

4. It is just so convenient to blame me isn’t it? 

5. I do not really understand how you respect me, and bother talking to me civilly when you treat him like utter nonsense. The double standards are drastically apparent, and yet you wonder where his anger is from. Why so unaware and apathetic? He is a friend too. No? 

6. I know why some of them are still here. I know you don’t want to talk to me about my stunted growth and what really is going on. It is just way easier to blame personal reasons than address the real issue.

7. Why are you always coming home in such a bad temper? What is going on? If you are so unhappy, why don’t you just leave? 

8. You are a perpetual liar and you twist your words so often. My guilt is gone and you are no more. 

9. I hope you get out there and be happy. Don’t stick around for someone that barely appreciates you. Fly. 

10. What were we, if there’s a we to speak of? 

11. I don’t know how to help you. I empathise. I even see some parts of myself in you at times. All I have is empathy, and sometimes I know it is not enough. Please take it though. It is all I have for you, for now. 

12. After having that conversation with you, I find you unchanged. It is so strange that years have done nothing to shape you, age you and wake you. Maybe it is better off to no longer speak. Or is it? 

13. Be kinder. 

14. It really isn’t that easy. Strength can run out, you know? And that’s where I find myself at. 

15. Stop stalking me. Don’t take away my social media freedom just like that. Who are you? Go back to where you came from. 

*you: an imaginary person or a collective*

Speakers’ Corner. 

Speakers’ Corner 

A board kept empty 

To always appear spacious 

For alternate views 

And space to breathe

But really, 

It serves as a warning for

Thoughts that beg to differ 

A statement of all thoughts that came

Before 

Vanished, perished and condemned 

Behind bars we can never see 

Stifled and silent suffocation 

To never speak

Exhaustion.

(I queue my posts, you see. To create a sense of detachment and to have the freedom to leave my blog, while still have it alive and generating content. Hopefully by the time this post goes up, I would be feeling better. 21/02/17)

I went home after school, and just sat on my bed for two hours doing absolutely nothing. No fiddling of my phone, no singing, no packing of my bag. I felt nothing either. 

All I knew was that my bones are weighing heavily on me, and my skin was a burden. 

I managed to drag myself to the shower and took it slowly. When I was done, I returned to my bed and went to sleep by 7.45pm. 

Eating has been a chore. If tiredness overwhelms me, I wouldn’t eat. 

So I didn’t eat that night. 

Got up at 10.30pm. Did some stuff around the house while feeling like I was burning up. Body temperature rose after a sleep, apparently. Returned to bed by midnight, but my mind only drifted to sleep by 3am in the morning. 

Getting up now, I am still so tired. My bones still heavy under my burdensome skin. 

I am exhausted of my life so young, and I don’t know why. 

Luxury. 

(Weighing on my mind. Heavy and anchoring; unmoving. What is a luxury? So many things are seen everyday that we unknowingly take so many things for granted. Small but significant. They form so much of our culture – what we simply take without thought.) 

To be born. 

To be wanted. 

To have childhood. 

To be healthy. 

To breathe freely. 

To know what love is. 

To have friends. 

To use the entirety of body. 

To have power of language. 

To discover sexuality. 

To have an education. 

To be able to work. 

To find work. 

To choose and pursue passion. 

To be able to have choice. 

To be needed. 

To have access to food, water and necessities. 

To have time to fall apart. 

To have support. 

To find sleep. 

To feel the entire spectrum of emotions. 

To empathise, and be empathised with. 

To age. 

To find a partner. 

To be able to marry. 

To travel. 

To want to travel. 

To have future. 

To know yourself. 

To discover stories and journeys beyond oneself. 

To live, not just survive. 

The power of being able to think that you have viable options, choices and perspectives to take. Even that in itself, is a power. 

I might have missed out on so many aspects, but every small thing is a privilege. 

And sometimes I am so overwhelmed just thinking about it. 

Danger. 

Years of friendship down the drain, beyond the professionalism that was never even there in the first place. This is such a classic case of losing everything – even if the everything might have been built upon pretentious relationships and layered lies. Money, time, youth, emotions and life. 

It still hurts. Betrayal always hurts. 

Who’s to say that being tired is excuse enough to stab backs? Why not just say that this is not worth your time and effort, and that’s just the way you roll? Why so secretive, in an age when mouths are always spread open? Where’s the ownership to the actions and conversations that happened – or is none needed because the majority agreed? 

Is the majority always right? 

What if this happened to the rest of us? Would we feel okay? What would we do? Can you swear that there would be no sorrow in your bones and that you wouldn’t break to further fuel anger? 

For me, being on the outside, it is just disappointment. These people are nice to me. But how nice can they be when they treat someone I know, or anyone for that matter, so cruelly? 

Such a perpetuated pattern on names upon names. People upon people. 

It is a scary statement of how cruel we can get when we no longer care about someone, but have no guts to leave. 

I don’t even know what to think or how to feel any longer. Suddenly my eyes are so clear and I recognise what I can do to someone else, as this example is a small act of violence. All human-beings are capable of the same things. We are no different from each other, only that we know our own intentions and reasons and are so delusioned that our reasons are always the “right” reasons to justify our actions. 

But I don’t think violence can ever be justified. No reason is good enough, and no faith is great enough to lift the responsibility. 

How can this be? 

How do we wish for more love for ourselves, when we can’t even love the people close to us well? How do we love when we only know how to love ourselves and no one else? 

How? 

We have become so dangerous. Sure, our knives may be blunt and with “good intentions” but all knives stab and the blunt ones hurt the most. 

I feel sadness more often than I really should. 

In a state of disbelief with no more voice to speak.