(I had a difficult January. Perhaps my problems are small compared to others, but everything got me so tired. It is almost as if my will power is no more. Anyway, here’s a small list of what my days were like. If it happens again, I hope I cope better.)
Wrapped up in a comforter
Wrapped up in fear
11pm blinks at me.
1am blinks at me.
3.30am blinks at me.
4am stares at me.
And I stare back.
Sleepless. Restless. Helpless.
My body screams in agony, while my mind runs its marathons over night.
Looking at the window away from my bed, the sun sets and rises – casting its calming orange-yellow rays through my room. It reminds me of the colour of my sleeping pills that I sometimes refuse to take. Sickening.
Eyes burning and dry throat, I stay in bed staring at the wooden planks. Count them. Pick them apart. Imagine them collapsing on me. Think about what a death that will be.
Body still unmoving.
I look at the window again, before closing my eyes.
Helpless. Restless. Sleepless.
Body failing and mind whirling
Why do I feel so stuck?
Don’t want to touch makeup. Don’t want to touch my face. Don’t want to look in the mirror.
I am a ghost, and if I look for my reflection, I fear I might not find it.
Compromise: nightmares and worries screening late night movies in my subconscious while my body sleeps, heavy with fatigue.