The past few weeks were complete torture, since my body refused to take rest.
My physical body was so tensed that my legs would cramp up in the middle of the night. My neck hurt and my lips were always held so tightly together.
Besides the physical, my mind was not letting go either. Sleep would not come and even if I do fall, nightmares of all my recent worries would come to life. Haunt me for the rest of the night until I get up to check the time.
2am. 4.30am. 5.12am.
To be tired and not sleep is a horror. I’d get so frustrated with myself, cry maybe and then stare at the walls. Shut my eyes and stare at the walls again.
Loneliness will overwhelm.
There is simply nobody to call at those hours, without feeling like a selfish bastard for stealing others from their precious sleep too.
Or maybe I just felt like I deserved this torture.
Sometimes, I will just think to myself: is this my day to go? Is it my turn now? I am weak. Just take me. I am like the dead. Going without food and water is possible. I have tried. The only difference is that I am still breathing.
Insomnia, insomnia, insomnia.
Stubbornness – too stubborn to rest, yet too stubborn to die.
Slept relatively well the past two nights. I am breathing better. Relaxation is now believable.
Slowly, but surely.
I have found hope. x