Observations on the self:
– My vibe changes severely when upset. I might not get fiery but I get ice cold and immediately shift into the “distant” mode.
– Because I am aware of the change. Sometimes I control it in social settings. Otherwise, I let myself release and give it to my body to take it. Feel it to the maximum and then let it go.
– I get extremely sarcastic and sassy when annoyed. My brain fires thoughts in the meanest ways possible and goes on non-stop.
– Usually, I end up crashing because I get so tired. Yes, contrary to popular belief, Dawn does not enjoy getting and staying angry. Or being confrontational. It is all a front or some sort of ego/pride/defence mechanism.
– Fear of being abandoned by someone I have learnt to rely on would constantly strike my brain and I panic. End up mentally punishing myself for trusting him/her in the first place and shelve it for another day.
– Empathy and sensitivity levels sky rocket.
– Tendency to look out a window or into the far distance increases. I derive comfort from looking at other people and looking at the nature all around.
– Even though angry in one conversation, I carry on as per normal with others. As if nothing’s happened or I have learnt to compartmentalise so well that I am made up of boxes and sections.
– If I cry, it only happens on a bus, in my bed or in the shower. I cry quietly, as much as I can. I still control myself. So far, I have only cried into the arms of another and sobbed uncontrollably once. It felt surprisingly cathartic and it was as if I have all these little pockets of grief that overflowed.
– I ask the question “why” more than “how”. Guess I am more interested in perspective and intentions rather than actions. However, in terms of schedule-wise of time, I prefer the “how” over the “why” anytime.
– Somehow, it always ends up with me telling myself that my flaws fucked things up. And I do not deserve this elusive beautiful thing called “happiness” or “love” with someone else.
– It is so easy to blame myself than blame someone else.
– Getting back up in three working days is a lifestyle I have picked up and I never fail this. Life goes on. It must.