The Question of Dollar Signs. 

(Disappointment comes at weird timings. Maybe disappointment is not even the right word for this. I am too tired to turn my brain topsy turvy to think of a better word, so please excuse me.)

When I received the text message, I didn’t really know what to say. Really. 

But I will admit that a couple of questions popped into my mind: 

  1. What would you do if your bank account is empty? 
  2. Would you still indulge in certain luxuries, or be more frugal? 
  3. What is a luxury? 
  4. Does this mean that one should not even allow any enjoyment such as drinking, retail therapy and whatnot when there are insufficient funds to do so? 
  5. Even if it helps with stress management, or bonding with friends? 
  6. Do the answers to the questions change when you already owe someone money? Or no?
  7. When you are supposedly close to penniless, would there be a sense of urgency and a crucial need for future planning? Or does it worsen the situation?
  8. What is the value of money? Really? 
  9. Is it better to feel secure for the future or spend and be happy in the now? 
  10. Is there just one answer to these things because of common sense? 

Sometimes I find it amusing how sensitive I am when it comes to things that have a financial aspect to them. 

I credit the sensitivity and the anxieties to my background of growing up/still am in a situation where money is a defining factor of how we live, how we view daily expenses, why we argue within the family and playing the never-ending blame game of not saving money so future expenses (further education, celebrations and going out as a family) are barely possible. Or realistic. 

We use money in the now and pay the price of the decisions later. 

I used to be really bitter about the financial state my family is in, and I used to be embarrassed of my family. It was shameful behaviour but I was. 

Then the emotions would come: jealousy, envy, anger and sadness. 

Money is always a cruel topic to think and talk about. Still is, but I am less sore about it. I am glad I grew out of that phase and just decided that working hard would be the way forward. 

As well as saving as much as I can. 

For survival, and maybe, to flourish one day.

Anyway, back to the random text message.  

It is funny why I get so bothered when it is clearly not within my control. It is almost disturbing that I feel so strongly about something that is just someone else’s financial freedom.

  • Why do I even bother?
  •  Why am I trying to impose my beliefs on someone else? 
  • Why am I feeling so much over a situation that can mean nothing to me?
  • Why am I caring so much? 

Maybe I just care about the person enough to feel so. Or maybe I am just telling myself that so I feel less like a control freak and a horrible person. 

I just decided to avoid the topic and save my judgments for another day. Who am I to say anything? So I chose to stay silent and let the wave of mundane talk wash these unnecessary feelings/thoughts away. 

– 

It is so refreshing to experience such newfound honesty with myself. Probably because it is midnight; the magic hour. 

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