(Disappointment comes at weird timings. Maybe disappointment is not even the right word for this. I am too tired to turn my brain topsy turvy to think of a better word, so please excuse me.)
When I received the text message, I didn’t really know what to say. Really.
But I will admit that a couple of questions popped into my mind:
- What would you do if your bank account is empty?
- Would you still indulge in certain luxuries, or be more frugal?
- What is a luxury?
- Does this mean that one should not even allow any enjoyment such as drinking, retail therapy and whatnot when there are insufficient funds to do so?
- Even if it helps with stress management, or bonding with friends?
- Do the answers to the questions change when you already owe someone money? Or no?
- When you are supposedly close to penniless, would there be a sense of urgency and a crucial need for future planning? Or does it worsen the situation?
- What is the value of money? Really?
- Is it better to feel secure for the future or spend and be happy in the now?
- Is there just one answer to these things because of common sense?
Sometimes I find it amusing how sensitive I am when it comes to things that have a financial aspect to them.
I credit the sensitivity and the anxieties to my background of growing up/still am in a situation where money is a defining factor of how we live, how we view daily expenses, why we argue within the family and playing the never-ending blame game of not saving money so future expenses (further education, celebrations and going out as a family) are barely possible. Or realistic.
We use money in the now and pay the price of the decisions later.
I used to be really bitter about the financial state my family is in, and I used to be embarrassed of my family. It was shameful behaviour but I was.
Then the emotions would come: jealousy, envy, anger and sadness.
Money is always a cruel topic to think and talk about. Still is, but I am less sore about it. I am glad I grew out of that phase and just decided that working hard would be the way forward.
As well as saving as much as I can.
For survival, and maybe, to flourish one day.
Anyway, back to the random text message.
It is funny why I get so bothered when it is clearly not within my control. It is almost disturbing that I feel so strongly about something that is just someone else’s financial freedom.
- Why do I even bother?
- Why am I trying to impose my beliefs on someone else?
- Why am I feeling so much over a situation that can mean nothing to me?
- Why am I caring so much?
Maybe I just care about the person enough to feel so. Or maybe I am just telling myself that so I feel less like a control freak and a horrible person.
I just decided to avoid the topic and save my judgments for another day. Who am I to say anything? So I chose to stay silent and let the wave of mundane talk wash these unnecessary feelings/thoughts away.
It is so refreshing to experience such newfound honesty with myself. Probably because it is midnight; the magic hour.