With the fatigue slowly fading away and the stress of the daily grind minimising with every blink of the eye, it is easy to say that everything was a great and wonderful learning experience. But I am pretty sure it wasn’t as easy to say these words just two weeks ago, or even one.
Seeing things in hindsight is like filtering a photograph through Instagram – only the pretty sides go through. All cotton candy and fluff. But I guess fluff is nice to look at.
I am glad that I made it out alive without pulling myself apart emotionally, physically and mentally. Close though, but never jumping off the cliff. I am glad that I am still intact with a head on my shoulders, feet on the ground and a heart in my chest. I am glad I am still me – despite the growth and the inevitable changes in my person, I am still comfortable in my skin and loving who I am.
It has been difficult.
For me: The lack of sleep. Missing my friends beyond school. Rushing from place to place. Skipping meals. Meeting deadlines for articles. Arguments born of misunderstandings and lack of respect. Work, work, work. Clashes in information. Condescending voices shutting me down in my head. Having no energy for things I used to make time for. The injuries and falling ill.
For others: Dealing with rejections on meet-ups and plans. Disappearance of my presence in lives, generally. Listening to my meaningless bullshit thoughts, bitching, complaining and the negativity that seeps into my blood every now and then.
Change after change after adjustment after compromise after change. Repeat.
There were bright things to put a smile on my face. Of course there were. It is all in the little things, like the ITI cats around campus, classmates getting me lunch, having an iced milo to drink, classmates laughing at and supporting each other, feeling like I did good work or waking up on the right side of bed. Or just counting down the days. Or spending quick meals with the boyfriend.
But I am not going to lie to myself that every day was rainbows and unicorns and ice kachang.
Anyway, I would not be surprised if the whole cycle repeats itself for the up-coming semester, but I think it is easier to convince myself now that I will not die in the process since I emerged from this one alive.
Stronger, more ready and more willing to trust.
After all, this is what I signed up for and I will finish what I started. I never asked for easy. I am young and if I do not push myself to the limit for my training, then when will I ever?
But now, I think I really deserve a short break.
On another note, thank you to everyone that has shown me love, kindness, care and concern over the past semester. I have been lucky to have all the encouragements and messages left at my door step to remind me how beautiful sunlight is when shining from the inside and why I am doing what I do.