(This is a new level of tiredness – brain overworking no matter how little sleep I get and making decisions based on emotions. Counting down eight weeks to me being temporarily free from routine and work.)
I have barely seen some of my friends the past few months, and I am starting to get used to it. Untouched messages, getting lost in our own lives, and forgetting that the other person might just be lying awake and wanting us to be the first to say, “Hello. How are you? I miss you.”
I also started wondering about the notion of a sense of belonging and its relationship with the concept of appreciation.
Must initiative always come from me, or can that work both ways? Why do I need a kind “thank you” to keep on going or doing what I do? Am I being selfish to want that?
Is it my fault because I should have pursued what I wanted, instead of hoping that people would notice and kindly say nice things in passing?
There is no fixed answer, and I do not know how to fill in this blank at the moment.
I just decided that I am the kind of person that needs to feel appreciated to call somewhere my home. (So I’d stop thinking about this. Move along. Turn and look the other way.)
Lastly, I am figuring out how to hold on to this on-going conversation I am having with myself – mentally, emotionally and physically.
I discovered muscles I have never known about before and it is fascinating to work with them. Feeling the way they move inside. How they look like on the outside. Working together with other parts of my body to create images, sounds and worlds.
Having conversations on an intimate level with my heart has been enlightening as well. (It actually is stronger than it looks, and it is more than blood and muscle. Anyway, emotions are curious little things.)
Opening up myself also means losing something.
But I guess losing isn’t always a bad thing. What do you think?