(Scrolled through my phone notes, discovered bits and pieces of text that I typed out and paused. They are all incomplete and left alone after the initial emotions that spurred me to write left my spirit. Now, I am just going to immortalise them here and let them go from my memory. Maybe this will give other people a glimpse into what we are like, or what we are like in my mind, or maybe I will give nothing away at all. These are my words we are using, and the moments will naturally be tainted by my point of view. They are not all romantic, because we are not like that and I think that will be the most truthful part of this whole post.)
March 2015 – You said you would never need second chances, but now you end up asking for three, four. Maybe you did seem different from the last the first time you walked through the door, but right now, you do not seem all that different from him at all.
February 2015 – I feel like I am caught in a waterfall or the rush of the big sapphire sea. No, I am not drowning or kicking with desperation to stay afloat. I am riding the currents to a territory that is unfamiliar and unmarked. Is this how liberation feels like? Maybe it is. And it surprises me how content I am simply by having someone listen to what I have to say, take the words as they are and stayed in that moment until the inner chaos calmed down. My mind is a calm body of water after a passing storm, and I have never felt more alive.
January 2015 – We are the poisoned youth. / Is it love if the sudden thought of him no longer wanting you scares you and fills you with emptiness? Or is it just you not having found home yet?
December 2014 – He took me aside and as I leaned back against a wall, he leaned in. And we kissed. After weeks of avoiding physical closeness (because I knew touch would demand intimacy of the mind as well), it was a slight comfort to realise that our lips still recognised each other. Hesitation shed its thin skin, giving way to gentle caresses on sensitive skin and the rhythm of gentle breathing. Time slowed down, and for that moment, I wanted to stay there for a while longer. Eyes closed, but seeing more than my heart could ever ask for.
November 2014 – You have got the green eyes, because I will always be the one with the sunrise.