You know those exercises they have in class when your lecturer asks you to picture your life in ten years? Or maybe twenty?
I always pictured myself with my own flat in another neighbourhood. Probably somewhere slightly away from the city and at least a few bus stops away from schools. Clean, peaceful and good enough for me to want to spend the rest of my life there. White, beige and blue – calming colours and easy to match. My furniture will be simple but interesting enough to brighten up the home. I will have a neat study and my own bedroom. Nothing too unnecessary or tacky, since I see myself traveling around a lot and spending most of my time with work and close friends. Maybe some photographs on the walls of my living room.
I will live on my own and lead my own independent lifestyle.
Sounds pretty good, huh?
I used to think it sounded pretty good too.
But after receiving Facebook notifications and wedding invitations, I am not so sure anymore.
You see, my friends are starting to get engaged, married or just talking about marriage plans. Most of them are already together or are getting together with people they are willing to take a chance at forever with. To them, having someone else to spend their lives with and maybe even forming a family is the best decision there is in life. They talk about their better halves at lunch gatherings or even on phone calls, and even when I cannot see their faces, I can imagine their eyes sparkling their new found excitement and happiness at their present and for the future. It fills me up with a heartwarming feeling and I feel happy for them. Genuinely.
After all, they have found their end of the invisible red thread, their soulmates and love.
It is something my parents always wanted for me but I never really wanted it for myself. I have always seen myself as a career-driven woman with no family to take care of or to go back to. And I have always liked it that way.
I am not really changing my mind or feeling jealous or anything like that.
I am just starting to wonder if I am really committed to my single lifestyle, or I am just afraid of having to open up. I still do not really know the answer. And for the first time in my life, when the new lecturer approached me with that question about my future self? i could not really give a confident straight answer.