I will just be honest and say that I do not feel like I am in a good place in my life right now.
Sure, I still head out of my house and do stuff – rehearsals, meeting friends and trying to fit in some things that I want to do. But I am missing the enthusiasm and some days, I catch myself wondering why I even bother doing the things I do and meeting the people I meet. I still write, borrow books to read and laugh at jokes. But there is this constant emptiness that is inside that I cannot seem to fill up at the moment. I am alright when I am around people most times and when I am distracted. I have been zoning out a lot though.
I have been out of it, really. And I haven’t been wanting to talk much.
I have been crying a lot. I have been feeling terrible about everything I have been doing. I constantly feel not good enough and I find myself reprimanding myself all the time for any little mistake I have been making. I feel ugly – physically and spiritually. I have been avoiding mirrors and reflective surfaces. I do not want to look at my face or any part of me if I can. My appetite is constantly lost and sometimes, I find myself thinking that starving myself is okay. Then I will force myself to eat but end up feeling guilty about it afterwards. I have been wondering about what pain might feel like and if I will actually run if a car is speeding towards me. I feel disgusting and unclean and I want to bleach it away.
I feel sick.
It constantly feels dark and grey and it is all on the inside of me and I cannot get it out. I feel weak. I don’t even know why I am typing it all out.
Is it stress? Is it out of a lack of self-love? Is it something I heard that is just haunting me at the back of my mind? Or is it something that has been eating me from inside out and I am only aware of it now? What is wrong?
I am so tired. So very tired.
Maybe it is just the rain that is making me feel like this and it will all pass. Maybe this is all just in my mind and my imagination is making me seem way worse than it actually is. Maybe I am crazy.
I am just very tired.
It is dark.
And I miss the sunshine.