There will always be days that seem like nights.
You feel tired and your body heavy. You just want to lie in bed for the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing and just hug a bolster for comfort. You hide your face and close your eyes and hope that the tiredness will go away, vanish into the thin air and never come back. When you look out the window, you picture sadness, anger and a certain sense of numbness instead of seeing the trees, warm blue sky and the cars going fast on the streets down below. Everything just becomes so dark and all you sense are shadows lurking in corners and the coldness of the space around you.
There will always be nights that seem like days.
Your mind travels all over the place and refuses to let you sleep. You generate so many thoughts at the speed of light and they keep you awake for hours on end. Kind of like a broken light bulb next to your bed that refuses to burn out when you prefer to sleep in absolute darkness. You feel fidgety and your body is begging to move and you toss and turn in bed but the energy does not seem to run out. Suddenly, you get the urge to start conversations, work on your ambitions and do something about yourself but you have no company because everyone else is busy. Busy catching up on beauty sleep. And you start having a long talk with the voice that lives in your head.
And in between the light and the dark of the Sun and the Moon, there will be moments when you feel too much and feel too little.
Like how you feel awful and you just want to cry all the self-hate away, but you know it does not work so you want to bury yourself alive. With work, plans and superficial comforts while avoiding the mirror. Reach a sense of emptiness. Until one day, you look into your reflection only to find a shell and a skin you are forced to call home and not a breathing person that is you. Maybe you just hit the limit for trying too many times in a day and cannot find any reason to love yourself, so you just forget it and maybe give it another try the following day.
If you feel like it.
Happiness is a choice.
I do feel happy and there are many things I am thankful for. Especially the people.
But when everything is said and done, the emptiness is still there.
And I wonder if Sadness has already built a home within me and will never leave.
Guess I should take the remaining energy left in my body to convince myself that tomorrow will be better.
(A trigger post from May 15th. Some issues and moments just get to me. Also, my thoughts flow better when I am upset, which is slightly strange I suppose.)