Control.

I control.

I go quiet.

I bite my tongue.

I refuse to talk and would very much prefer to be alone.

I am just like that when I am upset or feeling some sort of negative emotions within me.

Because when I get like that, I find myself wanting to spit out the very words other people would not want to hear. Just to get them to feel the hurt that I am feeling. Just to get them to step into my shoes for those few moments. Push them away so no explanations are needed to justify why I feel what I feel. Avoid opening up and being entirely vulnerable in someone else’s eyes.

And I know that I should not do that, so I zip up and place myself on the furthest end of the room. In a corner. Away.

So I do not say words that I do not really mean and struggle to take them back later on. So I do not hurt people unnecessarily because hurting them will not get rid of the hurt within myself. Remind myself to not be a selfish little prick.

But these urges and thoughts still cross my mind and tickle my tongue.

I am a monster.

I am a lonely monster.

Not made for people and love.

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