I can feel it.
That familiar feeling.
That familiar feeling of falling.
It always catches me when I am not looking. A surprise that comes out of nowhere. Like a sudden warm hug from the back during winter. Totally unexpected. One moment, it was cold with the light falling of snowflakes upon my shoulders. Then suddenly, a gentle warmth spreading all over my body and making me forget all about the season. Like I am experiencing summer all over again in the month of December.
It is strange, isn’t it?
How it just seems to… happen.
I was going about my days perfectly fine. Healthy doses of the happy and the sad, the good and the bad. Spending afternoons with platonic lovers and evenings with warm cups of coffee to pass the time with meaningful conversations and clever questions without getting answers. Just like before.
Then, like a forgotten lover over the past few months, it comes back to me. As if it is only natural. Playfully covering my eyes with familiar hands and asking, “Guess who?”
Like I have been missing it while it went away and have been looking forward to its return.
And suddenly, it feels like this is what I have been wanting all along, or even a need that I just simply forgot, even though it has never crossed my mind. Maybe a random thought or two in a week but I have never viewed it as a sort of necessity. Ever since I fell once, getting my heart all black and blue, I decided I did not need it to be complete. I did not want to feel it again.
My heart is my own and it is whole. Beating its own rhythm and definitely alive. No holes to be filled up and no wounds to mend. I kept thinking that there is just no space in my personal apartment for it to move in with me again.
But this feeling is now back. With even more luggage than before. More smiles, more laughter and more thoughts. Like it is trying to build a home with me and hoping I will let it stay. Coaxing me to open the door again. Promising me that this time, it will be better and different. And that it might even stay even longer than the last visit.
Then, for a moment, a flood of memories come back to me in sounds, touches and pictures. Reconnecting me with what I had and making me want to have all that again. How I have always preferred the summer over winter. How sometimes, having someone might just be better than the mirror on the wall. How I took that chance for the first time back then and that I can do it again.
So this time, I open the door.
To the familiar feeling of falling in love.
Hoping I will remember why it was and will be worth it in the end.