Late night musings.

Nights used to be pretty crazy for me.

I would lie in bed, over think on a whole lot of issues and just let my emotions run high. Going to bed crying occasionally or just being numb inside and out was ordinary. But I would get up feeling better – pent up emotions all let out and all ready for a new day. So maybe that was not so bad.

But last night, I was unable to get to bed immediately so I just stayed in bed for a while and kept quiet. I became aware of my steady breathing and how I felt really calm inside. Wrapped in my blankets and hugging a pillow, I felt content. No frustrations, no anger and no sadness. It felt really good.

And I was surprised that the change for the past year has been so huge for me. The change in myself.

It is not like my life got easier, or that most of my worries just got solved by a miracle and faded away.

It is because, now, I feel perfectly fine not knowing and having all the answers of my life. And it is quite strange how much better that acceptance made me feel.

Sometimes, we constantly feel the pressure to get everything right – be it school work, picking our education route and what kind of person we want to be. We are constantly told to aspire to be the best, with “best” pretty much meaning good child, good student, good friend and any other role we have to play in our life. And it made me hate every single bad decision I might have made.

I remember asking myself why.

Why am I born? Why do I get this life? Why am I not someone else with an easier life? Why do I not have my life in a book so I can just follow its instructions? Why do I not know all the answers to the questions I have? Why me?

I saw feeling angry and sad as failures, and happiness meant making good decisions for myself.

But I was wrong, and I am glad I know that now.

Emotions are emotions. There to tell you something about yourself and it is part of the human experience: to feel. And it is perfectly fine to not have all the answers, because we live life discovering them one at a time. Sometimes, I think that is why some of us live longer than others. We still have questions that need figuring out, or we take a longer time than other people. That is just a thought.

And mistakes are only mistakes if we think they are mistakes.

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