2013.

A list of thirteen things 2013 taught me:

  1. There is always something to be thankful for.
  2. No matter how happening life is, time to myself is important.
  3. Ordinary people are extraordinary.
  4. Being happy is a choice.
  5. Romantic love is not the only love there is.
  6. Sharing makes things better most times.
  7. Just keep positive.
  8. Learning is a joy.
  9. Treasure and not take for granted.
  10. At the end of the day, family is still family.
  11. Meaningful friendships are what really counts.
  12. Only you know yourself best.
  13. Life is what you make it out to be.

What I would like to say to thirteen different people in my life:

  1. I do not think about you anymore, or talk to you anymore. We are not even friends. But you taught me that not everything is always about me, and it is one of the most important things I have come to realise this year, so thank you for that. I really appreciate it.
  2. Feelings are not a transaction.
  3. No idea if you even read this blog, but I really hope you have been coping well. I will always keep in touch with you just to ask how you are doing. We barely talk but I am always here for you, okay? You are important and I am always a friend you can count on. Do not give up! Tomorrow will be a better day.
  4. Best friend, I miss you but we are both doing well so that is great. I will definitely be there for your shows. You will always have a friend in me!
  5. Initially wanted to unfriend you on Facebook since we are not actually friends but… Now we are! Hoorah! It has been nice hanging out with you. To more nice times!
  6. Get more rest and be happy. I miss your energy and smiles.
  7. I still think of you sometimes. It is strange but I hope life is kind to you.
  8. SEE YOU IN JUNE 2014. Sending hugs and kisses with lots of love your way!
  9. Wondering if I should unblock you on Whatsapp.
  10. I will never forget the love you give me. We are family. I hope I spend more time with you next year.
  11. Thank you for always believing in me. It truly means a lot.
  12. Can you finally grow up and hit the books? Seriously?
  13. I am happy we spent so much time together this year since you are going overseas to study in 2014. Hope we will stay friends and keep having random outings, chats and fun!

Thirteen things that kept me going this 2013:

  1. GLORIOUS GLORIOUS FOOD.
  2. Meaningful conversations.
  3. Randomly breaking into pop songs at shopping malls.
  4. Fruitful internships and adventures.
  5. Friendships with all kinds of people – new and old.
  6. Being able to wear what I like to work.
  7. Having new experiences with people that enjoy them as much as I do.
  8. Lady Luck.
  9. Readers of this blog.
  10. Growing up.
  11. Being introduced to spoken word.
  12. Picking up my writing again.
  13. My wallet.

Thank you for a great year. Hope all of you will be part of my next.

Because I still have a lot of growing up to do. 🙂

 

Late night musings.

Nights used to be pretty crazy for me.

I would lie in bed, over think on a whole lot of issues and just let my emotions run high. Going to bed crying occasionally or just being numb inside and out was ordinary. But I would get up feeling better – pent up emotions all let out and all ready for a new day. So maybe that was not so bad.

But last night, I was unable to get to bed immediately so I just stayed in bed for a while and kept quiet. I became aware of my steady breathing and how I felt really calm inside. Wrapped in my blankets and hugging a pillow, I felt content. No frustrations, no anger and no sadness. It felt really good.

And I was surprised that the change for the past year has been so huge for me. The change in myself.

It is not like my life got easier, or that most of my worries just got solved by a miracle and faded away.

It is because, now, I feel perfectly fine not knowing and having all the answers of my life. And it is quite strange how much better that acceptance made me feel.

Sometimes, we constantly feel the pressure to get everything right – be it school work, picking our education route and what kind of person we want to be. We are constantly told to aspire to be the best, with “best” pretty much meaning good child, good student, good friend and any other role we have to play in our life. And it made me hate every single bad decision I might have made.

I remember asking myself why.

Why am I born? Why do I get this life? Why am I not someone else with an easier life? Why do I not have my life in a book so I can just follow its instructions? Why do I not know all the answers to the questions I have? Why me?

I saw feeling angry and sad as failures, and happiness meant making good decisions for myself.

But I was wrong, and I am glad I know that now.

Emotions are emotions. There to tell you something about yourself and it is part of the human experience: to feel. And it is perfectly fine to not have all the answers, because we live life discovering them one at a time. Sometimes, I think that is why some of us live longer than others. We still have questions that need figuring out, or we take a longer time than other people. That is just a thought.

And mistakes are only mistakes if we think they are mistakes.

Sickness.

Eyes glazed over, mind in a mess and forehead burning.

My energy fades as the day goes by. Tick, tock, tick.
My heart keeps beating at its own pace. Lup, dup, lup.
My nose getting stuck and making breathing hard. Sniff, struggle, sneeze.

I hate being sick.

Having to stay in my room under layers of blankets.
Having to stay indoors with no energy to engage in activities.
Having to stay alone to keep the sickness and bacteria to myself.

I shall just stay here and watch the shadows and light pass under the door.
Until my eyes close, my mind quietens and my consciousness slip.
And I fall into a deep sleep.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Luke.

I know I cared too late. I know that.

I never noticed. Or maybe I did but just did not want to accept it.

Maybe you needed someone there, and I wasn’t there. I thought I wasn’t that someone you needed.

I was wrong.

That’s what everyone said.

I should have spoken to you when you were silent that morning. I should have helped you up when I saw you collapse on the ground the other day. I should have comforted you when you cried outside school one afternoon. I should have said okay when you said you wanted to talk. I should have helped after seeing your new fresh bruises on your arms and legs, like new paint being added on to an already filled canvas.

I just thought.

I thought I didn’t have that much love to give. I thought I wasn’t enough.

But I was wrong.

That’s what everyone said.

I was enough, but I just didn’t want to try.

I know I cared too late.

But I hope you will forgive me.

Because I really am not enough.

Because I am just like you.

Alice.

I grew up alone. Technically. Since I am the only child.

My parents always left me alone anyway – for work and for survival. I understand, of course. They didn’t even need to mind my studies. I was smart. Okay, actually, very smart.

I know what I am doing all the time, even as a child. So, I never did anything that my parents deemed as ‘silly’ or ‘immature’. I detest disappointing people.

There was this one person I really loved. I know it is love. I have got all the symptoms. She was my cousin. Always happy and very smart, like me. She also loved cookies a lot. We were part of the normal lot. Maybe slightly smarter, but normal.

Then she started becoming silly. She stopped having cookies or having smart conversations with me. She started talking to me about death and hurting her hands until she can’t hide the scars and marks anymore.

Then she left. Just like that.

Which was rude, by the way. You have to say goodbye when you leave. Always.

That is one thing I cannot figure out. Why did she do all the silly things she did?

My mother said that it is irrational to do such things to yourself even if you are very stressed or depressed.

That’s why I am doing what I am doing.

I want to know. I don’t want to be another death-denying person. I am not irrational or silly. I am just trying what she did, then I will gather results on my emotions and physical pain. It is research.

I want to know.

 

As The Light Goes Out (2013).

As-the-Light-Goes-Out-2014-1It is a rare sight to see me walk into a cinema to watch a Mandarin movie instead of an English one. Personally, I think I am more aware of what is going on and showing on the big screens for English movies because of my interests and the pages I follow on my social media accounts.

So I am glad that InCinema.sg gave me a pair of tickets to catch As The Light Goes Out at Cathay Cineleisure Orchard last Monday. I mean, it is great to be in touch with my mother tongue again!

Generally, this movie is a tribute to all firefighters and the storyline revolves around five different men and their relationship with each other while ambition, priorities and major decisions come into play. It is about trust, brotherhood and sacrifice.

I was not sure what to expect when I entered the cinema but I left with new found respect for all the people in the public service sector and was really touched by the movie. Having gained new perspectives and thoughts from the movie, I was rather shocked at myself for never wondering about them right from the start. Then it struck me how little it occurs to me to think about these people that put their lives on the line for us on a daily basis and appreciate them. It is shameful, really.

So I am happy that the movie gave me a good insight to the life of a firefighter – the way they live life, their feelings and thoughts that haunt them occasionally and the possible reactions from their family to their job. In the media, I usually only hear about the heroic acts or photographs of the men saving lives and smiling for the camera after everything is over. I would barely encounter stories of grief, fear or even anger. But they are people and they are more than their jobs. They are everyday heroes with worries of losing their lovers, fighting for that promotion and the duty of bringing their kid to school.

Besides the insight and sentiment behind the making of the entire movie, I quite liked the way the filming was done – angles used, lighting, slowing down of certain moments and other technicalities. It made some moments linger for longer and that made those moments stay in my mind longer. If I close my eyes, I can still see the emotions on the actors’ face, the cigarette smoke in the air and the stillness of that memory. It was a very strong image and sent a very strong message with it. It will definitely be something I will be remembering for a long time.

But of course, the actors especially Nicholas Tse did a good job and helped the message reach the audience. It was refreshing to see him in this role, since I usually see him in action films or in villainous roles. His character was one of the more quiet ones but his emotions could be seen through his little gestures and his gaze. It was a quiet but strong performance. I liked it.

Anyway, I will end off by telling you that this movie is out January 2 in Singapore!

 

 

 

 

Freda.

It happens. Things.

Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You can’t keep pretending that everyone is alright just because you don’t see the scars or the bruises or the tears.

Because things happen.

Not everything has to be seen to be felt and heard. Not everything has to be determined by physical appearances, because by then?

Things may have happened, and it would have been too late.

I know.

I know, because my mother was like that.