Since the last time I came here to type my thoughts out about March, time really flew by. Somehow I am here, together with everyone else, closing in on the last week of April. For some reason, maybe assimilating into a sort of routine has given a rhythm to my days. Letting them flow through days and nights seamlessly. My body battles the concept of day and night better and is able to just follow.
It’s been peaceful without insomnia and the common nights of staying up with a fear of sleep.
Now, I am also only on WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter in the office, and that includes checking all my email accounts too.
So once 7pm comes, I am almost completely offline. Off the grid. Bye bye. I leave my computers behind and technology is far from my mind. It’s great. The time I have for myself become about books, dinners with friends and decluttering of my thoughts.
No longer do I feel the need to stay connected through social media 24/7 – this helps me be more attentive to when I do dedicate my focus to social media. I have more energy to read the articles I save, have quality conversations and have a more positive relationship with social media in general.
Besides these small changes that are gradually making big impacts on my lifestyle, here are just some points that have been dominating my mind this month.
Is it really about talent, or about opportunities?
Earlier in the month, I bumped into someone I had the privilege of performing with in a musical a year back. He has a great sense of comic timing and performs generously. Dedicated to his character, he always came to rehearsals on time, has a huge smile on his face and breathed life into whoever he is playing every rehearsal, every performance.
I bumped into him working at a fruit store – me catching onto his clear voice echoing through the mall. I walked over and managed to talk to him for a bit. “I’m (working) here now,” he said before congratulating me on my recent graduation. We caught up for a while before I had to leave. Waving goodbye but his expression stayed in my mind – a sense of acceptance and bittersweetness.
Thoughts around this chance meeting kept floating around in my mind. Getting jobs and pursuing aspirations: is it really a matter about talent? Some people just simply do not have the contacts, luck or the timing to pursue opportunities as actively. You see less of them, and those that get more attention this time round will naturally receive more validation. The cycle continues.
In this context, being on stage less than someone else… Does it really speak about your lack of talent? Does it say anything at all really?
Do we call this a pipe dream then? Are talents still talents if they remain undiscovered by the masses? Must success always be mass produced for it to be taken seriously?
The visible is always prized above the pockets of invisibility (selective or otherwise) we have around us. Chances or risks seldom taken. Exploration always within the context of costs, safety and results gained.
But does this diminish who we are, making our identities a delusion, if I am an actor who seldom gets on stage, if I am a writer remaining unpublished, if I am a businessman manning only a single store front?
Can I still associate these dreams with who I am as a person, if these dreams remain unvalidated by others?
To lose than to love
Affection only shows its face with such clarity in the face of loss. We never do learn, do we? Always yearning to grasp something with our hands only to careless lose it through our very own actions when we have it right in our palms.
Eulogies for the dead, thousands of pointless apologies for the living.
Are the importance of opinions based on a person’s background, culture, education, social and economic status? Are anybody’s opinions able to be easily written off as invalid?
Who’s to deny their opinions that are informed by their unique living situations and environment?
I think history, facts (besides scientific ones) and laws are all questionable. They are about majority consensus and the desperation for human kind to hold onto something. It doesn’t make them all more valid than the unpublished truths, hearsay and the possibilities erased out of our inherited memory.
Why are we always looking for someone or people to look up to?
Why are some given more chance to be heard and to lead than others?
I have been thinking about romantic relationships a lot.
Isn’t it all about power?
Heterosexual relationships have always been prioritised because our kind needed to procreate to keep us from extinction. Now, we are far from biological extinction and are overpopulating the earth. Yet, the fear of other kinds of sexualities beyond the heterosexual still disturb individuals to the point of violence and unspeakable behaviours.
How can religion, the guiding force behind the balancing scales of good and evil, kindness and grace, breed such cruelty and extremity? How can another person’s private life and identity threaten anybody else to come up with lies and dangerous misunderstandings? How can you choose to hurt someone else for the sake of proving a point?
Does it even prove any point in the end?
(This is less about religion itself, but how we choose to interpret religion itself.)
Yes, that you are insecure and incapable of seeing the world as it is. The inability to take in the whole world as it is and the need to control what you want to see, to manipulate your environment.
The absolute refusal to adapt.
To want to struggle and fight for a power to say that the world should revolve your values, that you are right, that you are the greater and the rest of us, lesser.
Ego, pride, greed, greed, greed, greed, greed.
It is usually never about happiness, or making the world a better place. It is about territory and making the world all yours.
Otherwise civil living and agreeing to agree to disagree will come across as only natural. Respecting another’s space as much as you want them to respect yours. Opinions just opinions, and you take what you want, but take them in when you ask for them to be shared with you.
Anyway, on a personal note.
I have been drifting away from the notion of a romantic relationship. Maybe I am incapable for I cannot seem to believe in unconditional love. I question too much, try to understand too much and always venturing just a bit too much. I am unable to wrap my head around how some are so certain of joy, commitment and a future when everything in life is uncertain. My eyes go wide with curiosity but also, admittedly, envy.
Maybe a part of me still buys into the internalised concept of a “right” person and the never-ending pursuit of the “better”.
Maybe I love uncertainty too much – pushing and pulling the boundaries, changing my stance just to challenge and see where it takes me.
Maybe, and most likely, I am too stubborn and I fear settling. I hold on to this temporary youth and hope that risks will pay off eventually. When I grow older, I will not be lonely. You are only lonely when you are incapable of solitude and I enjoy solitude. There will never come a day where solitude would be too much, right?
I fear making a wrong choice that will cost me money to fix in the future.
How much is appreciation and understanding worth? Am I willing to fight for and break and piece myself back together for these to be a constant in my life? Or have I still to learn that it is my expectation and hopes that are the problem?
But for now, romance is overrated and I derive more meaning from my other relationships – trying to devote more time to my family, my friends and my work. I have time. No need for the unnecessary pressure and the apologies that come and go. They become good memories, but nothing really worth getting hurt over.
Emotions / Insecurities / Miscellaneous
A better grip over my emotions, especially the negative ones this month. Maybe the space I have given myself has helped immensely and I can breathe through whatever, without setting myself to work towards another person’s ideals.
I am still shit at dealing with my physical appearance though. A problem that has plagued me ever since I was as young as five years old. In kindergarten, I remember a pair of sisters sitting next to me in church and telling me that I am so big, my one thigh is equivalent to both of theirs. I used to laugh, at that age, but I no longer find it funny anymore.
Also, I know I work a full time job as a junior writer but it doesn’t mean I have given up on my original dream of acting in theatre. I do many things and I want to develop all these areas of my interests. Hopefully they eventually pay off instead of getting me pigeonholed in different boxes by different people. I don’t want to struggle with this “oh you graduated from acting school but you are writing in an office so you gave up” nonsense any longer.
I will just work harder to prove myself at my own pace.
And I have been braver in trying to reconnect with individuals I lost touch with. I have been so pleasantly surprised so far and I hope it goes on for years to come. Fear is paralysing but may it never be enough to bind me to one place.
Ink count: 5. Pending: 2. Already tempted for more.
I think the books I have been reading are changing me.
Okay, This is getting too long and I have emptied most of this month’s thoughts. Let’s see what the following month brings me. Happy to still be alive and relatively alright in April. xx